Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Big suprise

Another Mac Clone Rises

Apple's lawsuit against Mac clone maker Psystar has not discouraged others. It was recently announced that there is a new company named Open Tech will be producing Mac clones. However, their take is slightly different than that of Psystar. Instead of coming pre-loaded with Max OS, Open Tech will sell computers with Ubuntu Linux, but the system will be totally Mac OS compatible. That means customers can buy the computers and then install Mac OS themselves.

I checked out the Open Tech website and was not impressed. The products are not out yet and the website is obviously in its infancy. The site does not even have its own domain, but is hosted by freewebs.com. You can take a look at it if you want, but I would not buy.


Monday, July 28, 2008

AOL Cuts the Fat

AOL recently released the news that they will be closing down several of their web properties to help them become more profitable. Among the AOL sites being closed are: Bluestring, a site for sharing videos, music, and photos; Xdrive, an online hard drive; and AOL Pictures. AOL is planing to sell Xdrive to another company, but the other sites appear to be down for the count. AOL has also closed their MyMobile service with the idea of repackaging it with other AOL mobile services.

AOL executives said that they will puch other products to help thier finances. These new "money making" products include their browser toolbar, desktop software, e-mail service, and the Truveo video search site.

It also is worth noting that there are also plans in the works to discontinue dial up, the service that made AOL important so many years ago. The reason for this change is that fact that broadband is becoming cheaper and more popular.

Friday, July 25, 2008

A Man and Woman Argued

After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.

Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.

"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."

He looked confused,

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.

"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Letter to Tide

Dear Tide

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. Well one thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well, that when the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.

Later, my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief.

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go now, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

One Golf Ball

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.

"Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked.

"Nope, I only need one ball."

"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?"

"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need another one."

"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball"

"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"

"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball"

Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going to do then?"

"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

"I found it."

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

More Questions to Ponder

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Monday, July 21, 2008

Hulu: A portal of entertainment

People say that TV is coming to the Internet. A prime example is Hulu.com. A joint venture between NBC Universal and News Corp, Hulu offers free, streaming, high-quality movies and TV shows. The site is supported by ads placed through out the different movies and TV episodes.

The site was founded in August 29, 2007 and went public on March 12, 2008. The video are played using Flash 9. The quality is higher than other streaming sites, but lower than standard TV definition. There are some videos that you can get in higher 480p definition.

The bulk of the content is from NBC and Fox as well as numerous cable networks, television studios, and movie studios (such as Comedy Central, PBS, USA Network, Bravo, Fuel TV, FX, SPEED Channel, Sci Fi, Style, Sundance, E!, G4, Versus and Oxygen). Users are not required to create an account unless they want to R or Mature rated stuff.

You can watch both old and new stuff (as seen on the list below). I love this site and waste too much time on it. You can always find something good on it that you have never seen. Plus, they keep adding new stuff all the time.


Feature Films

20 Dates
28 Days Later

The Amateur
At the Earth's Core
Attack of the Puppet People
Australia: Land Beyond Time

Bad Girls From Mars
The Barbarian and the Geisha
Behind Enemy Lines
Beloved Infidel
The Best Of Everything
Between Heaven And Hell
The Big Lebowski
Blue Denim
Blue Juice
The Blue Max
Blue Steel
A Blueprint For Murder
Body Slam
Bring It On
Broken Arrow

Captain From Castile
The Car
Casino Royale (1967)
Code of Silence
The Comedy of Terrors
Cosmic Voyage
The Curse of Inferno

Daughters of Satan
Dave Chappelle's Block Party
The Desert Rats
Dinosaurs: Giants of Patagonia
Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine
Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs
Dressed to Kill
Drive Thru
Dude, Where's My Car?
Dunston Checks In

Empire of the Ants
Enter the Ninja
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
The Extreme Adventures of Super Dave

Fever Pitch
Fiddler On The Roof
The Fifth Element
Fighter Pilot: Operation Red Flag
Film Crew: Hollywood After Dark
Free Money

The Girl Next Door
Going Overboard
Guadalcanal Diary

Halls Of Montezuma
Hercules in New York
Hollywood Shuffle

The Immortalizer
In Dangerous Company
In the Mix
Inspector Clouseau
The Island of Dr. Moreau

Jerry Maguire
Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie
Just Between Friends

Keep Your Eyes Open
Killing Zoe

A Life Less Ordinary
Lone Wolf McQuade
The Longest Day
Lost Highway
Lost in Translation
Love and a .45

The Man Who Never Was
Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World
Me, Myself & Irene
Meet Joe Black
Meet The Mobsters
Men in Black
Monty Python's Meaning of Life

Naked Lunch
National Lampoon's Movie Madness
National Lampoon's Spring Break
Nicholas Nickleby
Nine Lives
Nutty Professor II: The Klumps

October Sky
Of Mice And Men
One Funny Hick-Spanic
One Man's Hero
The Original Latin Divas of Comedy

Paul Mooney: Analyzing White America
The Payaso Comedy Slam
The People That Time Forgot
Planet of the Apes
Psycho ('98)

Quest for Fire

Raising Arizona
Red Dragon
Requiem for a Dream
Rob Roy
The Rundown

The Sand Pebbles
The Secret of NIMH
The Slums Of Beverly Hills
Some Like it Hot
Star Maps
State Property

Three Amigos!
Timerider: The Adventure of Lyle Swann
Titan A.E.
Totally Baked

Underworld: Evolution

Very Bad Things
Von Ryan's Express
Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea

Weird Science


Full TV episodes

2/8 Life
2007 AST Dew Tour
2008 GLAAD Awards
2008 National Heads-Up Poker Championships

30 Days
30 Days of Night: Blood Trails
30 Rock

The 808

The A-Team
The Academy
The Addams Family
After Hours with Daniel
Alfred Hitchcock Hour
Alfred Hitchcock Presents
Alias Smith And Jones
The All-For-Nots
America's Most Wanted
American Dad!
American Gladiators
American Gothic
American Misfits
Andy Barker P.I.
Archie Bunker's Place
Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?
Arrested Development
Astro Boy

The Baby Borrowers
Babylon 5
Back To You
Barney Miller
Battle Dome
Battle of the Bods
Battlestar Galactica Classic
Beer Nutz
Best of Penn Says
Big Ideas for a Small Planet
Bionic Woman
The Bob Newhart Show
Bobby G: Adventure Capitalist
Brother's Keeper
Buck Rogers
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Burn Notice

Campus Cops
The Captain and Casey Show
Carpet Bros
Celebrity Circus
Celebrity Family Feud
Charlie's Angels
Chicago Hope
Cleopatra 2525
The Colbert Report
Comedy Gumbo
Corkscrewed: The Wrath of Grapes
Cover Me
The Crow: Stairway To Heaven

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
The Dana Carvey Show
Decision House
Design: e2
Destination Truth
Devil's Trade
The Dick Van Dyke Show
Doogie Howser, M.D.
Dorm Life
Douchebag Beach
Dr. Danger
Dr. Steve-O
Dream On
The Dresden Files

Equal Justice

The Facts Of Life
The Fall Guy
Family Guy
Fantasy Island
The Fashion Team
Fear Itself
Fields of Glory
Flipping Out
Foreign Body
Friday Night Lights

Galactica 1980
Ghost Hunters
Ghost Hunters International
Gorgeous Tiny Chicken Machine Show
The Great Ride Open

Hart to Hart
Hell's Kitchen
Hill Street Blues
Hot Hot Los Angeles

I Dream of Jeannie
I Spy
In Plain Sight
The Incredible Hulk
The Invisible Man
It Takes A Thief
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Jack of All Trades
Jackie Chan Adventures
Jerry Springer
John Doe
Johnny Sokko and His Flying Robot

Kathy Griffin
King of Miami
King Of The Hill
Kitchen Confidential
Kitchen Nightmares
Kojak 2004

L.A. Dragnet
Land of the Giants
Last Comic Standing
Late Night with Conan O'Brien
Life After Film School
Lipstick Jungle
The Loop
Lost in Space
Lou Grant

Mad Mad House
Major Dad
Making News: Savannah Style
Manhattan, AZ
Married...With Children
The Mary Tyler Moore Show
The Matty Blake Show
McHale's Navy
Miami Vice
Miss Universe
MOJO's The Circuit
The Moment Of Truth
Mr. Justice & Powerful Girl
Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle
The Munsters Today
Murder One
My Bare Lady
My Name is Earl

Nanny and the Professor
New Adam-12
New Amsterdam
New Dragnet
New Pollution
Night Gallery

The Office
One Day at a Time
Outer Limits
Owen Benjamin Presents

Paradise Hotel 2
Partridge Family
Party of Five
Picket Fences
The Practice
Pressure Cook
The Pretender
Prison Break
Problem Child
Prom Queen

The Rascal
The Real Housewives of Orange County
Remington Steele
Rescue Me
The Return of Jezebel James
The Riches
Rob and Amber: Against the Odds
The Rockford Files

Satacracy 88
Scare Tactics
Scientific American Frontiers
She Spies
Shear Genius
Silver Spoons
Simon & Simon
The Simpsons
Sitting Ducks
Son Of The Beach
Speed Racer
St. Elsewhere
Starsky and Hutch
Start-Up Junkies
The Starter Wife
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
Swamp Thing

T.J. Hooker
Talkshow with Spike Feresten
Team Knight Rider
Temptation Island
Tequila & Bonetti
Test Drive
That Guy
Three Sheets
The Thunder Show
The Tick
'Til Death
The Time Tunnel
The Tonight Show
Total Recall 2070

Under One Roof

Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea

Wall Street Warriors
Weird Science
Welcome Back, Kotter
What's Happening Now!!
What's Happening!
Who's the Boss?
Wired Science
WKRP in Cincinnati
Woody Woodpecker (New)
The World of Stupid
The Writer's Room

Young Hercules

What it Takes to be a Good Teacher

Humorous insights to what it takes to be a good teacher

Buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Sam's.

Will eat anything left in the teacher's lounge.

Grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have even been seen grading in church.

Cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a school day

Drive older cars owned by credit unions.

Can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.

Never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.

Have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning around.

Are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders and kidneys.

Wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the teacher's manuals.

Have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds.

Master teachers can eat faster than that.

Can predict exactly which parents show up at open house.

Never teach the conjugations of "lie" and "lay" to eighth graders.

Know it is better to seek forgiveness than to ask for permission.

Know that the best end of semester lesson plans come from Blockbuster.

Know the shortest distance and length of travel time to the front office.

Can "sense" gum.

Know the difference between what ought to be graded, what should be graded, and what should never see the light of day.

Know that the first class disruption they see is probably the second one that occurred.

Have never heard an original excuse.

Know better than to plan discussions or cooperative groups for last period during an observation.

Know that secretaries and custodians really run the school.

Know that rules do not apply to them.

Give themselves away in public because of the Vis-a-vis marker smudges all over their hands

Know that dogs are carnivores and not "homework paperavores."

Know that happy hour does indeed begin on Friday afternoons.

Do not take "no" for an answer unless it is written in a complete sentence.

Know the value of a good education and are appalled upon seeing their paychecks.

Hear the heartbeats of crisis; always have time to listen; know they teach students, not subjects; and they are absolutely non-expendable.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

The Living Will

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Apple flexes and stifles competition


You may have heard that Apple recently filed a lawsuit against Psystar.  Psystar is a maker of Mac clones complete with Mac OS X.  They are being sued by Apple for disregarding and modifying the licenses for the Mac OS in computers that they sold.

Whether or not this is true, this new lawsuit is troubling, especially for Apple. 

Apple is famous for being totally proprietary.  This means that they don't let anyone make components or peripherals for their computers.  You can only get replacement parts from Apple. 

Then Psystar pops up offering Mac clones that cost a little over $500.  That is quite a bit less than similar Macs.  These computers have open components which make them much easier to fix.

This situation reminds me of the IBM PC.  When it first released their version of the PC, IBM had features that no other company had.  A group of techs got together and created a product that did the same thing.  The result was called Compaq.

Psystar is doing the same thing that Compaq did.  Apple should cut Psystar some slack and before they know it they will be selling more copies of Mac OS than ever before.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Stone Trekkin'

I've talked to you about a fan film called started Star Wreck.  Now a present to you Stone Trek. 


The best way to describe the Stone Trek series is to call it the Flintstone version of Star Trek.  It tells the story of Captain James T. Kirkstone, the Vulcano first officer Mr. Sprock and ship's doctor Leonard "Fossils" RcKoy and their adventures aboard the U.S.S. Magnetize

Besides feeling like the Flintstones, Stone Trek also has a 1960s era laugh track.

To date a total of nine episodes have been produced since the series was first released in 2000.

Take a look and enjoy.


Wikipedia Article

100 Funny Ways to Order Pizza

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD. "Chop your pizza on a mirror!" "Master! Master! Put pepperoni on my pizza!" "Gimme pizza! You will do what I say, when I say Gimme pizza!"
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (If phoning Domino's, ask for a CheeserCheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
20. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
21. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
22. Change your accent every three seconds.
23. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
24. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
25. Start your order with "I'd like...". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
26. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
27. Rent a pizza.
28. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
29. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
30. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
31. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
32. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
33. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
34. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
35. Imitate the order taker's voice.
36. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
37. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
38. Play a guitar in the background.
39. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
40. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
41. Ask to see a menu.
42. Quote Carl Sandberg.
43. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
44. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
45. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
46. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
47. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
48. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
49. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
50. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
51. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
52. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
53. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included.
54. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
55. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
56. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
57. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost"
58. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
59. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
60. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
61. Try to talk while drinking something.
62. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and... action!"
63. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
64. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
65. Be vague in your order. 66. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
67. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
68. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff sound (zzznnnnnnnn).
69. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
70. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
71. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
72. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
73. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
74. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
75. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
76. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
77. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
78. Put them on hold (do it several times while ordering).
79. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
80. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
81. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
82. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
83. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
84. Haggle.
85. Order a one-inch pizza.
86. Order term life insurance.
87. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
88. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
89. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
90. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
91. Engage in some serious swapping.
92. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
93. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background.Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
94. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
95. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
96. Order a steamed pizza.
97. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
98. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
99. Pronounce pepperoni as pep-per-ron-i-eeeeeeeee (long e).
100. Yodel your order

Fun Things to Do on a College Paper

(Don't do these unless you don't care about your grade)

1. Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.

2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.

3. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professor's door.

4. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada.

5. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.

6. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.

7. End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds".

8. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it.

9. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can't do the paper because you're not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious. If you do end up writing the paper, write about whether or not the paper actually exists.

10. If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of what the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words, right?

11. Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer crashed while you were printing it, and you couldn't retrieve the original.

12. Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your bibliography.

13. Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the pages of the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor's desk.

14. The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain that you can't turn your paper in because it contains sensitive military information and is only available on a "need to know" basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get an 'A'.

15. Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you were trying to get the feel for the period.

16. Turn in a letter you wrote to your cousin. When the teacher confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and the paper mixed up. Say that you'll turn the paper in as soon as you get it back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it might take a while.(This is a nifty way to get an extension.)

17. When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.

18. Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won't see you until the next full moon.

19. Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that on the way to class, your dropped it in the street and it got run over by one of those trucks that paint lines on the road.

20. Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When questioned by the professor, act like it's nothing unusual. After all, he did tell you to include footnotes.

21. Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper, perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the paper and correct all your typos.

22. Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper, opera-style, and hand that in.

23. Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that might cause a person to prefer anchovies.

24. Hand your paper in in a sealed envelope with postmarks from several different countries on it. Say that you wanted several different perspectives on your work.

25. TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee..

26. Get a large piece of paper or canvas. Smear paint all over it and hand it in as your paper. Explain that the topic was such an emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn't possibly express what you had to say.

27. Compare and contrast the characters of James T. Kirk and Jean-Luc Picard. Claim that one is actually Hamlet, and the other is King Lear. Say that Worf is Ophelia.

28. Carve your paper on the bathroom wall.

29. Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you are a member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the gratuitous slaughter of trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in writing assignments.

30. Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are quoting the words of a well-known Zen master who was speaking in tongues at the time.

31. Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if it's only a few pages. Explain that it involved some very heavy reading.

32. Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were mobbed by crows on the way to class.

33. Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text overlapping. Say that that was all the paper you had.

34. Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller Light is "less filling" or that it "tastes great". Also explain why Aristotle would have taken the opposite view. Try to predict both philosophers' reactions to Spuds McKensie.

35. Draw pictures of your professor in the margins.

36. Make your paper one long, never-ending sentence that goes on for pages and pages and pages; use a lot of semi-colons, commas, and other interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks [(for example), an interesting one: the colon_] but never ever end the sentence {[_-\|/??!]}.

37. Staple a picture of an academic building to the paper. Cite the picture as a resource.

38. On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and screaming, "I have a paper! I have a paper!". Run around the class a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell, "There's my paper!", then run outside to get it. Repeat this all through the period, or until the professor throws you out.

39. Come to class leading a horse or camel. When asked to turn in the paper, take it out of one of the saddlebags, then shoot the horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to discuss it.

40. Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things. For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists.

41. Refer to all prominent historical figures by nicknames. For example, call George Washington "Georgie". Call Ben Franklin "Sparky".

42. Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w's whenevew you weawwy want to type r's ow l's.

43. Ol, switch alound arr the l's and r's in youl papel, rike Monty Python did in Queen Erizabeth the Thild.

44. When your professor asks for an outline of your paper, draw the outline of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand it in.

45. Spill a martini on your sociology paper. Say that you wrote it in a bar so that you could see "sociology in action"

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Funny Actual English Subtitles in Asian Movies

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again? 4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice or I'll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
20. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Old Goat

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.

While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Where has All the Space Gone?

Have you every wondered where all you disk space has gone? Hey, I just had 20GB of free space, now I only have 15. Where did all the space go?

Now you find out everything you need to know about what sized files are where.

WinDirStat is a disk usage statistics viewer and cleanup tool for Microsoft Windows (all current variants). WinDirStat reads the whole directory tree once and then presents it in three useful views: the directory list, which resembles the tree view of the Windows Explorer but is sorted by file/subtree size; the treemap, which shows the whole contents of the directory tree straight away; and the extension list, which serves as a legend and shows statistics about the file types.
I like it because it is a great way what files I can delete to make more room on my drive. It is a must download. It's also nice because the program is smaller one megabyte.


Download page

Good Names For Lawyers

Target Practice

A fine example of reverse evolution

Scum-sucking bottom feeders

The Damned

A great argument for mandatory birth control

Merchants of Misery

Rats with briefcases

Blood-sucking vampires.

Truth Management Consultant

Legal Weasels

Ambulance Chasers

Cannon Fodder

Creatures from the bottom of the septic tank

Lie Engineers


Uncivil servants

Vampires with telephones

Wallet snatchers

Boogers in the nose of life

Loophole Lizards Power Arrangers

Road Kill


Money-sucking legal leeches


Legal thieves.

Speed Bumps

Boat Anchors


Shark bait

Six Feet Under

Friday, July 11, 2008

Signs That Your Coworker is a Hacker

10. Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill.

9. She's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes 3 years running.

8. When asked for her phone number, she gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down

6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, ouh-pleeez!" 256 times during the movie, The Net.

4. Massive 401 k contributions made in half-cent increments.

3. His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.

2. Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overheard, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1. You hear her murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, Professor-I-Don't-Give-A's- In-Computer-Science."

An Application Called Launchy

Don’t you just hate it when you have to search through hundred of folders to find one program or file? Would you rather use the keyboard instead of a mouse? Do you wish there was a way to easily find programs when your icons mysteriously disappear. There is a free program that easily allows you to do all of these things.

The program is called Launchy. Once installted, all you have to is press Ctrl+Space and type in the name of the program or file that you want. The program runs unobtrusively in the background. You can also use it to find and open documents. You can also get a number of skins and plug-ins to increase functionality. I’ll give you some tips and trick for extend the function later on. For now, download and enjoy it as you life gets easier.

Homepage - Download here

Friday, July 4, 2008

Work Versus Prison

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens and guards who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Finals Paper Paper in Red Ink

10. See me after class.

9. Did you even read the material?

8. It's a C, but it's a strong C.

7. Fascinatingly convoluted.

6. My, what nice, big margins!

5. You must've been up all last night.

4. The book ends differently than the movie.

3. Spelling requires more than just sounding it out.

2. Are you familiar with the term "plagiarism"?

1. Tell your mom to try harder.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Star Wreck

You've heard of Star Wars, you might even have heard of Star Trek, but have you every heard of Star Wreck?

There have been many fan films, but by far one of the best fan series comes not from the US or even Britain. Called Star Wreck, this series is a great parody of the Star Trek series was created in Finland.

The series was started in 1992 by Samuli Torssonen. Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country had just come out, however the film was not available in Finland. Because of this Torssonen decided to create his own version, the first Star Wreck.

Star Wreck relates the adventures of James B. Pirk (named after the Star Trek character James T. Kirk), Captain of the starship C.P.P. Potkustartti (English C.P.P. Kickstart). Other characters include Mr. Fukov, Mr. Spook (Finnish: Mr. Spökö), Mr. Dwarf (Wuf), Ensign Shitty and Mr. Info (loosely based, respectively, on Star Trek's Pavel Chekov, Mr. Spock, Worf, Scotty, and Data). The characters speak Finnish, but subtitles in various languages, including Klingon, are available.

The first Star Wreck film was rough at best. It consisted of a short 2D animation of a battle between Federation-styles ships and Plingons. It ran about 4 minutes long.

Episodes 2 and 3 was animated, as well, but with more sophisticated 3D. They were about double the length of the first.

The following four films were live action films or increasingly better quality. The range in length from 20 to over 40 minutes.

The final film, Star Wreck: In the Pirkinning, was released in 2005 after six years of animation rendering and filming. It is by far the best film in the series and one of the best fan films of all time. It is one of the longest fan films, running a little over 1 hour and 45 minutes.

This film takes an alternative look at the Star Trek canon and timeline with humor and crazy characters mixed in. If you enjoy scifi, action and humor, check out this great fan film. You can download and watch for free from the Star Wreck website, Google Video, or Veoh.

Star Wreck homepage

Ten ways to annoy your Internet Service Provider

10) Refer to their service as worse than AOL.*

9) Use your webpage allowance for hard-disk backup and fill up their hard drive.

8) E-mail other users endlessly about "The great deal over at AOL where the speed and service is better than here"*

7) Try to actually use all that bandwidth they claim to have.

6) Offer to back up their server, and use 720kb floppies

5) Log on with your home-built 34-bps modem and complain when the connection is too slow. Say it's their modem and not your "Souped up home-built cable modem"

4) Offer to sell your "Souped up home-built cable modem" to all their

3) Ask how much it costs to have a serial port connection to their server from your computer.

2) Ask how much it costs to have a parallel port connection to their server from your computer.

1) Ask how much it costs to set up your iPod as a server.

* Doesn't apply if AOL is your ISP.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

48 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone is Stupid

1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. A few clowns short of a circus.
3. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
4. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
5. A few beers short of a six-pack.
6. Dumber than a box of hair.
7. A few peas short of a casserole.
8. Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box.
9. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
10. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
11. One taco short of a combination plate.
12. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
13. All foam, no beer.
14. Someone shook her Etch-A-Sketch.
15. The cheese slid off his cracker.
16. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
17. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
18. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
19. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
20. He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down.
21. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
22. As smart as bait.
23. Chimney's clogged.
24. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
25. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
26. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
27. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
28. Her sewing machine's out of thread.
29. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
30. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
31. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
32. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
33. No grain in the silo.
34. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
35. Receiver is off the hook.
36. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
37. Skylight leaks a little.
38. Slinky's kinked.
39. He's surfing in Nebraska.
40. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
41. In the pinball game of life, his flippers are further apart than most.
42. A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
43. Lime jello for a frontal lobe... WITH suspended fruit.
44. Ears act as a wind tunnel.
45. Couldn't find powdered water at the market, so he went thirsty.
46. Had his brain tattooed-in.
47. Main feature's a cartoon.
48. Rivals dirt.
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