Microsoft announces their next version of Windows

Microsoft's Newest Partner

Microsoft announces their newest partner. (Just kidding!)

Tech Disasters

I found these pictures all over the web.  These systems are in pretty bad shape.  Click each image to get a larger version.

 

Tech Support Problems – cont.

While I have problems trying to teach people how to use technology, these are stories that I have collected from the internet and have nothing to do with me.

Story 1

One day a friend of mine called me up to tell me he was thinking of buying a computer. This guy is particularly sensitive to criticism and not to exactly in the upper eschelon of the IQ range, and personally I don't think he should own a programmable VCR much less a computer, but he's a good guy, so I said "good for you." The following conversation ensued:

• Him: "Well I have a couple questions though, that I thought I should ask you, cause you know about those things, right?"
• Me: "Yeah, ok, what do you want to know?"
• Him: "Well...what one should I buy?"
• Me: "What do you want to do with it mostly? Play games, word processsing (blah blah blah)...?"

Twenty minutes later....

• Him: "Well, I think probably I should get a real fast one, you know, cause I want it to go fast so I don't have to wait for the Internet."

I proceed to explain, SLOWLY, about the difference between megahertz and modem speed, which takes another twenty minutes.

• Him: "So how much is this going to cost me anyway?"
• Me: "It all depends on what you want. Some stuff costs more.

(Now, let me say here that at the very begining of all this I had stated that neither a monitor nor a printer would come with a computer itself, unless you went for a package deal. He was, at this point saying that he wanted to spend about $500 and that everything had to be from the same manufacturer. This was when the 550 P3 had just come out, so prices were still higher than $500 for any system you could go buy in a Circuit City, which he said he HAD to do.)

• Him: "Well, you know, I just want the basic stuff, a monitor, and a printer and a scanner, and maybe a camera, plus the stuff to make cards and print photos and all that, and the stuff to take care of paying my bills, and online."
• Me: "Ok, well, you need to get a system first, then think about the extras. You really need to learn the basics first. A computer with a monitor and a printer is probably going to be a minimum of $800 to $1000, if you really want them all to be from the same company."
• Him: "REALLY?! Well, ok, but I probably will need two printers, so it'll be more then, huh?"
• Me: "What?"
• Him: "Yeah, you can do that, right, hook up two of the same printer to one computer?"
• Me: "Well...NO, you can't."
• Him: "But I'll need to do that!"
• Me: "No, really, you won't. Why do you think that?"
• Him: "Ok, wait, I know, what about two computers? Can you do that? Can you hook two computers together?"
• Me: "But...why? No."
• Him: "But I am going to NEED that! You can't do that for me?!"
• Me: "Ok, ya know what, what the hell are you talking about?!? No one ever NEEDS to do what you are talking about doing so why do you think you need to do this?!?"
• Him: "Well, when I go to print out that manuscript I'm going to write, it'll probably be like 800 pages or so, so how am I ever going to get one printer to print that much, and one computer probably can't even hold that much in one thing right?"

Inside I was going ballistic at this point, and it did boil over, especially since there is NO WAY there is 800 pages worth of anything in this guy's head, but I explained that (a) one computer can in fact "hold" that much and a whole lot more, and (b) one printer (unless it is a huge Xerox or other office type industrial machine) CAN'T hold that much paper in one shot.

I hope that none of you nice tech support people never EVER get a call from this guy, because I guarantee you it will be the worst call you ever get in your life. You guys may all have to get together and dedicate a page to him, posting only his calls, just to vent your anger. He is the cupholder guy, the NOSMOKE.EXE guy, the guy who insists he "hasn't changed anything" when he really edited his AUTOEXEC.BAT and CONFIG.SYS to include lines like "and don't say I'm bad and an invalid," and the guy who has everything plugged in but nothing where it is supposed to be plugged in. He WILL have his powerstrip plugged into itself and will insist that it is NOT. May the force be with you all; you'll need it.

Story 2

• Tech Support: "I need you to boot the computer."
• Customer: (THUMP! Pause.) "No, that didn't help."

Story 3

Giving instructions on how to use Microsoft Word 7:

• Me: "Type in a few words, or a test sentence."
• Secretary: (skeptically) "With what?"
• Me: "The keyboard."
• Secretary: "The what?!?"
• Me: "Keyboard. The jobbie in front of you with the keys on it."
• Secretary: "Oh. That."
• Me: "Yeah, it works like a typewriter."
• Secretary: "I don't understand. (types a few words) "Oh! Hey! It works just like my typewriter!"
• Me: "Uh-huh..."

Story 4

A teenage lad and his mother called in to our shop and approached me. The mother announced her son needed a virus killer for his computer. The Atari ST had been out a year or two, and Amiga computers were rapidly gaining popularity at the time, and both machines had viruses being passed around on floppy disks. So we asked the son which of those computers he had. He muttered to his mother again, and she announced her son had an Amstrad 464 -- which only had a built-in cassette deck and no floppy drive whatsoever. After we explained that it was the more modern computers which had floppy disk drives that got viruses, the mother calmly stated that the virus had been on his friend's new ST computer and that her son and his friend had played a few games on it. The virus had passed from the friend's computer directly to her son, and thence, later that evening, from her son to his aforementioned Amstrad 464!

Boggling, but still polite, we patiently explained that although computer viruses existed, they could not be "caught" by human beings and passed on to other computers by physical contact. The word "virus" was, we told her, slang that referred to hostile code that replicated itself when a disk was inserted into a computer, not an actual biological virus. Her son's computer probably had just gone faulty and needed a repair. Smiling smugly, and after informing us her son knew about computers (and that we didn't), they left the store to search for more computer-savvy tech support.

Computer Horror Stories – Part 1

Story 1

I used to be a technician on the U.S.S. Ranger, an aircraft carrier, just before the Gulf War. A new commanding officer had just come on board, and, in preparation for our excursion out to Iraq, he ordered that we go through all our spaces and ensure that everything was secured in place, so that if we hit rough seas, or hit something explosive, there wouldn't be debris flying everywhere. Fairly standard routine.

About two days later, the Ranger's marine detachment called my shop and said, "Our computer is broken." So I head down to the detachment office to take a look. These PCs were the old Zenith Z-248 desktop models, secured with four zillion screws and weighing in at what seemed like half a ton. Our marines had taken the order to secure things pretty seriously, because they had done it with two half inch lag bolts. They had drilled straight through the case, the mother board, the bottom of the case, and the desk it was sitting on, to drop the lag bolts in place.

They couldn't figure out what was wrong, but they knew that it wasn't going anywhere.

Story 2

Fact: Boston Computer Museum sells chocolate bars shaped like floppy disks.

Fact: Three year old kids see daddy boot his computer using a floppy to play games.

Fact: Computers are warm inside...even some quite expensive computers.

I don't want to talk about it.

Story 3

I worked at a photo lab in New Mexico. Part of my job was outputing digital files to a film recorder. Everyone there was friendly, except for one woman who never seemed to like me. After a few months I asked my boss about it. He told me that before I got there, they had tried to train her to do the digital output. They even paid for her to go to a class to learn about computers. She was the only student in the class who managed to get a floppy stuck in the drive upside down and backwards. The teacher had to disassemble the machine to get the disk out. She told him she had to pound it with the heal of her hand to get the disk to go in. After that, the photo lab decided she probably wasn't the one for that position. She always resented the fact that I had 'her' job.

Story 4

• Tech Support: "Hello, tech support, may I help you?"
• Customer: (in a thick Russian accent) "Yes. Monitor is working fine but has sparks and smoke flying out back. Is ok?"
• Tech Support: (blink)

Story 5

• Customer: "There are smoke and flames coming from my computer."
• Tech Support: "Uh, hang up, unplug the computer from the wall, and call the local fire department."
• Customer: "That's not the problem. I need to know how to do a backup. Fastest possible method."

Stupid Tech Support Calls – Part 2

Story 1

An man purchased a laptop from me. He called about a week later and said that it would no longer boot up. He brought it in, and I discovered that sixteen nicely drilled holes were in the bottom of the case. I asked him about it, and he said the machine was too hot sitting on his lap, so he had drilled these "air holes."

"Could that be the problem?" he asked.

Story 2

One day a customer called complaining that he just received his computer, but it won't turn on. When he first pushed the power button, the screen flashed and then everything died.

I couldn't do much over the phone, so I went to the customer's office. It was plugged in, everything was hooked up ok, but, sure enough, it refused to turn on. I decided to take it back and promised to deliver a new one as soon as possible. But when I went to pick it up, I couldn't.

Fearful of thieves, the man had fired some 24 inch bolts straight through the box, through the hard drive, motherboard, everything, locking it to his desk.

"Oh," he said, "I thought it was just the TV part that was important. Will my warranty cover this?"

Story 3

• Customer: "I need a new modem."
• Tech Support: "What's wrong with your current modem?"
• Customer: "The Internet light is not on."
• Tech Support: "Did you reset your modem recently?"
• Customer: "Yes I did, but what does it have to do with it?"
• Tech Support: "Well, resetting the modem wipes out your configuration profile, so we just need to reconfigure it."
• Customer: "Did you not hear me? The modem is broken, and I demand a replacement now!"
• Tech Support: "The modem is not broken. If you are willing to, we can configure it in about 2 minutes."
• Customer: "I want a new modem!"
• Tech Support: "We can't replace modems over a simple reconfiguration issue. All we have to do--"

CRASH.

• Customer: "Now it's broke! Replace the thing already!"
• Tech Support: "Ok sir, we cannot replace a modem that you destroyed, and your modem is past warranty, so you'll have to buy a new one anyway."
• Customer: "!*#$(*@#%!@&#$&*(!@#*$!@*^!@#$@" (Click.)

Story 4

While I was at college (back in the days of Archimedes computers), I often helped to teach new users the ropes while the teacher concentrated elsewhere. This one sweet girl was very new, and I didn't mind that she had no concept of the mouse, the screen, and whatnot -- she soon got good enough that I could leave her to do some task and help someone else. Pretty soon, however, she was tugging on my chair, and when I went to see what was going on, she said, "My bracelet is stuck in there."

Eh?

It was wedged into the floppy disk slot. Why? Apparently, the bracelet was annoying her when she typed, so she took it off. She found a small slot on the computer with a happy little door on it and just went ahead and shoved it in. Tech support had to rescue it by taking the thing apart.

Story 5

A customer had bought a computer from us about a year ago and a Voodoo 3 card just yesterday. He took it home and tried to install it but couldn't, so he brought them both in this morning. He ranted and raved, etc. He had reboxed the Voodoo 3, expecting a replacement, so we took the computer and the Voodoo 3 in the back and told him we would fit it for free. When we opened the box for the Voodoo 3, it was in a terrible state. The bit of metal that attaches the card to the case was taken off, and a wee heatsink had been scraped off the chip with a screwdriver. I reglued the sink and reattached the backplate. So we opened the machine, and tried to fit the card. Ack. Card is AGP, computer has exactly zero AGP slots. So we went back to the front.

• Me: "Sir, your computer has no AGP slots, and this is an AGP video card."
• Customer: "Yeah, but the card fit perfectly into the little white slot."
• Me: "Which white slot?"
• Guy: "There's five of them -- little white ones. There's a spare one."
• Me: "The PCI slot? Uhh...it shouldn't...let me check."

Sure enough, if you remove the heatsink and backplate, turn the card around, and really hammer it into the only free PCI slot, it will just fit snugly next to the hard disk.

We explained that the AGP card was completely destroyed and he had voided the warranty on it by hacking away at it with a screwdriver. The usual mad customer vs. techie exchange ensued, but he eventually backed down and bought the PCI version instead...and got us to fit it.

Stupid Tech Supports Calls – Part 1

The following is just a few of the stupid tech support stories that I have found around the web.  There are a lot of them, all funny.  Enjoy!

Story 1

The place I work for charges about $100/issue for tech support.

• Tech Support: "So what can I do for you?"
• Customer: "I'm trying to run Live Update with Norton, and it came up to a screen with a list of updates, and it says 'Next.' What do I do?"
• Tech Support: "Did you hit 'Next'?"
• Customer: "Oh, it's working now."
• Tech Support: "Anything else I can do for you?"
• Customer: "No, that's it, thanks."

Story 2

• User: "I've just unplugged my monitor from the wall in order to clean it without getting shocked. How do I plug it back in?"

I had about ten different responses flash through my mind, but as this guy was fairly high up on the food chain of management, I had to control myself. I said, "Align the pins with the hole, and push it into the socket." Satisfied, the user hung up.

Story 3

• Customer: "I installed Windows 98 on my computer, and it doesn't work."
• Tech Support: "Ok, what happens when you turn on your computer?"
• Customer: "Boy, are you listening? I said it doesn't work."
• Tech Support: "Well, what happens when you TRY to turn it on?"
• Customer: "Look, I'm not a computer person. Talk regular English, not this computer talk, ok?"
• Tech Support: "Ok, let's assume your computer is turned off, and you just sat down in front of it, and want to use it. What do you do?"
• Customer: "Don't talk like I'm stupid, boy. I turn it on."
• Tech Support: "And then what happens?"
• Customer: "What do you mean?"
• Tech Support: "Does anything appear on your monitor? I mean, the TV part."
• Customer: "The same thing I saw last time I tried."
• Tech Support: "And that is what?"
• Customer: "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"
• Tech Support: "Yes, sir. What is on your screen?"
• Customer: "A bunch of little pictures."
• Tech Support: "Ok, in the upper left corner, do you see 'My Computer'."
• Customer: "No, all I see is that little red circle thing with the chunk out of it."
• Tech Support: "You mean an apple?"
• Customer: "I guess it kind of looks like an apple."

Then it took me fifteen minutes to convince him that he had a Mac. Even after showing him "About this Macintosh." I spent another fifteen minutes trying to convince him that Windows 98 wouldn't work on his Mac. He said it should work because Windows 98 is for PCs, and he had a PowerPC. I think he's still trying to get it to read that CD, because I never could convince him.

Story 4

A member of getacoder.com posted and asked for someone to write an operating system for him. It had to have all the features of Windows XP Professional. In return, he would be willing to pay $20 to $100.

The listing:

I need someone to program me a new OS (Operasting System) that looks different than Ms Windows XP etc. but has the same style. It does not need to run on a mac but all the other PCs. It's supposed to have a stylish look with clear edges etc. And ITS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE JUST A REDESIGNED WINDOWS as I'm going to sell that operating system later on. These are some important points :

It should have ALL THE FEATURES that Windows Xp Professional has. ALL the files that run on Windows XP ust also run on the BlueOrb OS. It must have a very user-friendly interface (like MS WINDOWS XP) When it gets Installed, the user needs to insert a serial number. It HAS to be HACKER SAFE! It must be quick and good looking.

Here's the listing on getacoder.com.

Microsoft Advertisement from India – Part 1

I know that this is the first blog post I have written in a long time. Sorry about that. College work tends to get hectic, but now that I have Windows Live Writer I can put up posts faster and will get more up.

Microsoft has spend quite a few dollars (or rupees) advertising in India. Why not?! They have the business of almost all of the developed world, why not aim for developing countries. This will be the first in a series of Microsoft ads from India that I will post. Enjoy.

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

The Saudi Ambassador and President Bush

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush.

They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America ."

President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do. The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."

President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future...."

A Patriotic cartoon

Watch Make Mine Freedom (1948) in Animation  |  View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

Tough Day on the Golf Course

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."

One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."

"Oh my God", the other golfers said. "That must have been horrible!"

"Horrible?! You think its horrible?" Bob continued still very distressed.

"It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."

A Lawyer Died

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 196 years old!"

Shoe and a ride

One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

The Wrong Sign

A priest and pastor were on the side of the road. They had a sign proclaiming: "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and they showed it to each passing car.

One driver that drove by didn't seem to appreciate the sign and shouted at them as he whizzed by, "Leave me alone, you religious freaks!"

Seconds later, the priest said to the pastor heard a big splash. They looked at each other quizzically, and the priest said to the pastor, "Hey, you think we should just put up a sign that says "Bridge Out" instead?"

Cats and Dogs

What are CATS?

Cats do whatever they want and you have no idea what they are thinking.

They rarely listen to you.

They're totally unpredictable.

They whine when they are not happy.

When you want to play, they want to be alone.

When you want to be alone, they want to play.

They expect you to cater to their every whim.

They're moody.

They leave hair everywhere.

They drive you nuts and cost you an arm and a leg.

CONCLUSION: Cats are little women in fur coats.

---

What are DOGS?

Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture they're allowed to sit on.

They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

They growl when they are not happy.

They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't listen to you when you're in the same room.

When you want to play, they want to play.

When you want to be alone, they want to play.

They are great at begging.

They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

They leave their toys everywhere.

They do disgusting things with their mouths and then kiss you.

CONCLUSION: Dogs are little MEN in fur coats.

Sometimes it does take a Rocket Scientist

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."

The Mexican Navy

A guy goes into a Texas bar all dejected, and orders a drink.

The barkeep says, "Here, you look down. It's on the house if you'll tell me your story."

"Okay," the guy says in a heavy Mexican accent. "Ess like theese: I jused to be an inspector for the Mexican Navy."

"Really!" the barkeep says, surprised. "I didn't know Mexico had a Navy."

"Oh, chure," the inspector says.

"So, what did you inspect?"

"Submarines."

"What did you have to do?"

"Well," the inspector says, taking a big drink. "I get into the submarine with all the other guys in the Navy and I say, 'Take it down to 100 feet!'"

"And what happens?"

"Then I go around and check for leaks. Then I say, 'Take it down to 200 feet!'"

"And then what happened?"

"Then I go around and check for leaks again. And if everything goes well, I say, 'Take it down to a thousand feet!'"

"And then what happens?"

The Mexican inspector shakes his head sadly. "Then those damn adobe walls jes fall a

The Flat Tire and the Mental Institution

A man had a flat tire in front of an institution for the mentally insane.

It was getting close to dark as he hurriedly started to change the tire.

He noticed one of the inmates sitting on the other side of the fence watching. When he started to put the new tire on, he discovered that he had lost the lug nuts. He looked all around the car with no luck and pondered, out loud, "Now what am I going to do?"

To which the inmate replied, "Why don't you take one nut off each of the other 3 tires to hold that one on until you get to a garage?"

The man said, "That's a great idea, I thought you were supposed to be crazy."

The man said, "I AM crazy, but I'm not stupid."

A Knight and His Men

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!?" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now!"