Tech Disasters

I found these pictures all over the web.  These systems are in pretty bad shape.  Click each image to get a larger version.

 

Tech Support Problems – cont.

While I have problems trying to teach people how to use technology, these are stories that I have collected from the internet and have nothing to do with me.

Story 1

One day a friend of mine called me up to tell me he was thinking of buying a computer. This guy is particularly sensitive to criticism and not to exactly in the upper eschelon of the IQ range, and personally I don't think he should own a programmable VCR much less a computer, but he's a good guy, so I said "good for you." The following conversation ensued:

• Him: "Well I have a couple questions though, that I thought I should ask you, cause you know about those things, right?"
• Me: "Yeah, ok, what do you want to know?"
• Him: "Well...what one should I buy?"
• Me: "What do you want to do with it mostly? Play games, word processsing (blah blah blah)...?"

Twenty minutes later....

• Him: "Well, I think probably I should get a real fast one, you know, cause I want it to go fast so I don't have to wait for the Internet."

I proceed to explain, SLOWLY, about the difference between megahertz and modem speed, which takes another twenty minutes.

• Him: "So how much is this going to cost me anyway?"
• Me: "It all depends on what you want. Some stuff costs more.

(Now, let me say here that at the very begining of all this I had stated that neither a monitor nor a printer would come with a computer itself, unless you went for a package deal. He was, at this point saying that he wanted to spend about $500 and that everything had to be from the same manufacturer. This was when the 550 P3 had just come out, so prices were still higher than $500 for any system you could go buy in a Circuit City, which he said he HAD to do.)

• Him: "Well, you know, I just want the basic stuff, a monitor, and a printer and a scanner, and maybe a camera, plus the stuff to make cards and print photos and all that, and the stuff to take care of paying my bills, and online."
• Me: "Ok, well, you need to get a system first, then think about the extras. You really need to learn the basics first. A computer with a monitor and a printer is probably going to be a minimum of $800 to $1000, if you really want them all to be from the same company."
• Him: "REALLY?! Well, ok, but I probably will need two printers, so it'll be more then, huh?"
• Me: "What?"
• Him: "Yeah, you can do that, right, hook up two of the same printer to one computer?"
• Me: "Well...NO, you can't."
• Him: "But I'll need to do that!"
• Me: "No, really, you won't. Why do you think that?"
• Him: "Ok, wait, I know, what about two computers? Can you do that? Can you hook two computers together?"
• Me: "But...why? No."
• Him: "But I am going to NEED that! You can't do that for me?!"
• Me: "Ok, ya know what, what the hell are you talking about?!? No one ever NEEDS to do what you are talking about doing so why do you think you need to do this?!?"
• Him: "Well, when I go to print out that manuscript I'm going to write, it'll probably be like 800 pages or so, so how am I ever going to get one printer to print that much, and one computer probably can't even hold that much in one thing right?"

Inside I was going ballistic at this point, and it did boil over, especially since there is NO WAY there is 800 pages worth of anything in this guy's head, but I explained that (a) one computer can in fact "hold" that much and a whole lot more, and (b) one printer (unless it is a huge Xerox or other office type industrial machine) CAN'T hold that much paper in one shot.

I hope that none of you nice tech support people never EVER get a call from this guy, because I guarantee you it will be the worst call you ever get in your life. You guys may all have to get together and dedicate a page to him, posting only his calls, just to vent your anger. He is the cupholder guy, the NOSMOKE.EXE guy, the guy who insists he "hasn't changed anything" when he really edited his AUTOEXEC.BAT and CONFIG.SYS to include lines like "and don't say I'm bad and an invalid," and the guy who has everything plugged in but nothing where it is supposed to be plugged in. He WILL have his powerstrip plugged into itself and will insist that it is NOT. May the force be with you all; you'll need it.

Story 2

• Tech Support: "I need you to boot the computer."
• Customer: (THUMP! Pause.) "No, that didn't help."

Story 3

Giving instructions on how to use Microsoft Word 7:

• Me: "Type in a few words, or a test sentence."
• Secretary: (skeptically) "With what?"
• Me: "The keyboard."
• Secretary: "The what?!?"
• Me: "Keyboard. The jobbie in front of you with the keys on it."
• Secretary: "Oh. That."
• Me: "Yeah, it works like a typewriter."
• Secretary: "I don't understand. (types a few words) "Oh! Hey! It works just like my typewriter!"
• Me: "Uh-huh..."

Story 4

A teenage lad and his mother called in to our shop and approached me. The mother announced her son needed a virus killer for his computer. The Atari ST had been out a year or two, and Amiga computers were rapidly gaining popularity at the time, and both machines had viruses being passed around on floppy disks. So we asked the son which of those computers he had. He muttered to his mother again, and she announced her son had an Amstrad 464 -- which only had a built-in cassette deck and no floppy drive whatsoever. After we explained that it was the more modern computers which had floppy disk drives that got viruses, the mother calmly stated that the virus had been on his friend's new ST computer and that her son and his friend had played a few games on it. The virus had passed from the friend's computer directly to her son, and thence, later that evening, from her son to his aforementioned Amstrad 464!

Boggling, but still polite, we patiently explained that although computer viruses existed, they could not be "caught" by human beings and passed on to other computers by physical contact. The word "virus" was, we told her, slang that referred to hostile code that replicated itself when a disk was inserted into a computer, not an actual biological virus. Her son's computer probably had just gone faulty and needed a repair. Smiling smugly, and after informing us her son knew about computers (and that we didn't), they left the store to search for more computer-savvy tech support.

Stupid Tech Supports Calls – Part 1

The following is just a few of the stupid tech support stories that I have found around the web.  There are a lot of them, all funny.  Enjoy!

Story 1

The place I work for charges about $100/issue for tech support.

• Tech Support: "So what can I do for you?"
• Customer: "I'm trying to run Live Update with Norton, and it came up to a screen with a list of updates, and it says 'Next.' What do I do?"
• Tech Support: "Did you hit 'Next'?"
• Customer: "Oh, it's working now."
• Tech Support: "Anything else I can do for you?"
• Customer: "No, that's it, thanks."

Story 2

• User: "I've just unplugged my monitor from the wall in order to clean it without getting shocked. How do I plug it back in?"

I had about ten different responses flash through my mind, but as this guy was fairly high up on the food chain of management, I had to control myself. I said, "Align the pins with the hole, and push it into the socket." Satisfied, the user hung up.

Story 3

• Customer: "I installed Windows 98 on my computer, and it doesn't work."
• Tech Support: "Ok, what happens when you turn on your computer?"
• Customer: "Boy, are you listening? I said it doesn't work."
• Tech Support: "Well, what happens when you TRY to turn it on?"
• Customer: "Look, I'm not a computer person. Talk regular English, not this computer talk, ok?"
• Tech Support: "Ok, let's assume your computer is turned off, and you just sat down in front of it, and want to use it. What do you do?"
• Customer: "Don't talk like I'm stupid, boy. I turn it on."
• Tech Support: "And then what happens?"
• Customer: "What do you mean?"
• Tech Support: "Does anything appear on your monitor? I mean, the TV part."
• Customer: "The same thing I saw last time I tried."
• Tech Support: "And that is what?"
• Customer: "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"
• Tech Support: "Yes, sir. What is on your screen?"
• Customer: "A bunch of little pictures."
• Tech Support: "Ok, in the upper left corner, do you see 'My Computer'."
• Customer: "No, all I see is that little red circle thing with the chunk out of it."
• Tech Support: "You mean an apple?"
• Customer: "I guess it kind of looks like an apple."

Then it took me fifteen minutes to convince him that he had a Mac. Even after showing him "About this Macintosh." I spent another fifteen minutes trying to convince him that Windows 98 wouldn't work on his Mac. He said it should work because Windows 98 is for PCs, and he had a PowerPC. I think he's still trying to get it to read that CD, because I never could convince him.

Story 4

A member of getacoder.com posted and asked for someone to write an operating system for him. It had to have all the features of Windows XP Professional. In return, he would be willing to pay $20 to $100.

The listing:

I need someone to program me a new OS (Operasting System) that looks different than Ms Windows XP etc. but has the same style. It does not need to run on a mac but all the other PCs. It's supposed to have a stylish look with clear edges etc. And ITS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE JUST A REDESIGNED WINDOWS as I'm going to sell that operating system later on. These are some important points :

It should have ALL THE FEATURES that Windows Xp Professional has. ALL the files that run on Windows XP ust also run on the BlueOrb OS. It must have a very user-friendly interface (like MS WINDOWS XP) When it gets Installed, the user needs to insert a serial number. It HAS to be HACKER SAFE! It must be quick and good looking.

Here's the listing on getacoder.com.

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

The Saudi Ambassador and President Bush

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush.

They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America ."

President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do. The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."

President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future...."

Three Men Sitting

Three men are sittin' on a bench. One's a Texan wearing a Stetson, one's a
Muslim wearing a turban, and the last an Apache with an eagle feather woven
in his hair.

The Indian is rather glum and says, "Once my people were many, but now we are few."

The Muslim puffs up and says, "Once my people were few, but now we are many millions."

The Texan adjusts his hat, finishes rolling a smoke, leans back and drawls, "That's cause we ain't played cowboys and Muslims yet."

Tough Day on the Golf Course

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."

One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."

"Oh my God", the other golfers said. "That must have been horrible!"

"Horrible?! You think its horrible?" Bob continued still very distressed.

"It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."

A Lawyer Died

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 196 years old!"

Shoe and a ride

One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

The Wrong Sign

A priest and pastor were on the side of the road. They had a sign proclaiming: "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and they showed it to each passing car.

One driver that drove by didn't seem to appreciate the sign and shouted at them as he whizzed by, "Leave me alone, you religious freaks!"

Seconds later, the priest said to the pastor heard a big splash. They looked at each other quizzically, and the priest said to the pastor, "Hey, you think we should just put up a sign that says "Bridge Out" instead?"

Cats and Dogs

What are CATS?

Cats do whatever they want and you have no idea what they are thinking.

They rarely listen to you.

They're totally unpredictable.

They whine when they are not happy.

When you want to play, they want to be alone.

When you want to be alone, they want to play.

They expect you to cater to their every whim.

They're moody.

They leave hair everywhere.

They drive you nuts and cost you an arm and a leg.

CONCLUSION: Cats are little women in fur coats.

---

What are DOGS?

Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture they're allowed to sit on.

They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

They growl when they are not happy.

They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't listen to you when you're in the same room.

When you want to play, they want to play.

When you want to be alone, they want to play.

They are great at begging.

They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.

They leave their toys everywhere.

They do disgusting things with their mouths and then kiss you.

CONCLUSION: Dogs are little MEN in fur coats.

Sometimes it does take a Rocket Scientist

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just one sentence, "Thaw the chicken."

The Mexican Navy

A guy goes into a Texas bar all dejected, and orders a drink.

The barkeep says, "Here, you look down. It's on the house if you'll tell me your story."

"Okay," the guy says in a heavy Mexican accent. "Ess like theese: I jused to be an inspector for the Mexican Navy."

"Really!" the barkeep says, surprised. "I didn't know Mexico had a Navy."

"Oh, chure," the inspector says.

"So, what did you inspect?"

"Submarines."

"What did you have to do?"

"Well," the inspector says, taking a big drink. "I get into the submarine with all the other guys in the Navy and I say, 'Take it down to 100 feet!'"

"And what happens?"

"Then I go around and check for leaks. Then I say, 'Take it down to 200 feet!'"

"And then what happened?"

"Then I go around and check for leaks again. And if everything goes well, I say, 'Take it down to a thousand feet!'"

"And then what happens?"

The Mexican inspector shakes his head sadly. "Then those damn adobe walls jes fall a

The Flat Tire and the Mental Institution

A man had a flat tire in front of an institution for the mentally insane.

It was getting close to dark as he hurriedly started to change the tire.

He noticed one of the inmates sitting on the other side of the fence watching. When he started to put the new tire on, he discovered that he had lost the lug nuts. He looked all around the car with no luck and pondered, out loud, "Now what am I going to do?"

To which the inmate replied, "Why don't you take one nut off each of the other 3 tires to hold that one on until you get to a garage?"

The man said, "That's a great idea, I thought you were supposed to be crazy."

The man said, "I AM crazy, but I'm not stupid."

A Knight and His Men

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!?" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now!"

Big suprise

A Man and Woman Argued

After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.

Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.

"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."

He looked confused,

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.

"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."

Letter to Tide

Dear Tide

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. Well one thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well, that when the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.

Later, my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief.

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go now, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

One Golf Ball

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.

"Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked.

"Nope, I only need one ball."

"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?"

"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need another one."

"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball"

"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"

"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball"

Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going to do then?"

"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

"I found it."

What it Takes to be a Good Teacher

Humorous insights to what it takes to be a good teacher

Buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Sam's.

Will eat anything left in the teacher's lounge.

Grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have even been seen grading in church.

Cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a school day

Drive older cars owned by credit unions.

Can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.

Never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.

Have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning around.

Are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders and kidneys.

Wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the teacher's manuals.

Have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds.

Master teachers can eat faster than that.

Can predict exactly which parents show up at open house.

Never teach the conjugations of "lie" and "lay" to eighth graders.

Know it is better to seek forgiveness than to ask for permission.

Know that the best end of semester lesson plans come from Blockbuster.

Know the shortest distance and length of travel time to the front office.

Can "sense" gum.

Know the difference between what ought to be graded, what should be graded, and what should never see the light of day.

Know that the first class disruption they see is probably the second one that occurred.

Have never heard an original excuse.

Know better than to plan discussions or cooperative groups for last period during an observation.

Know that secretaries and custodians really run the school.

Know that rules do not apply to them.

Give themselves away in public because of the Vis-a-vis marker smudges all over their hands

Know that dogs are carnivores and not "homework paperavores."

Know that happy hour does indeed begin on Friday afternoons.

Do not take "no" for an answer unless it is written in a complete sentence.

Know the value of a good education and are appalled upon seeing their paychecks.

Hear the heartbeats of crisis; always have time to listen; know they teach students, not subjects; and they are absolutely non-expendable.